i don't understand life. bullshit. ask me if i am contented with life, i am not. i am totally not. life is totally horrible. i am very tired. tired of maths, tired of eating, tired of sleeping, tired of breathing and basically, tired of living. maybe i was just a innocent girl in the past who keep on holding on to the hope that life is great- when i am small, i will be loved by family. when i grow up, i will find someone nice and marry and perhaps have children and live happily ever after. i realised, i'mwrong.
mummy used to tell me, study hard girl. and you will have a good job, find a nice family, and lead a happy life. i think perhaps, i have no chance. it was a disaster to bring children into this world. it is some creation that caused me to be here and to have to go through such shit. i don't understand, and i don't want to understand. i seriously don't.
you know when i do the simplest thing, i just can't divert my attention. simply sitting down and watching the television, i just feel horrible. looking at how the couples encourages each other by a simple hug. i guess, i may never have this chance anymore. yup, or i would have to say, i confirm, i will never get this feeling ever again. i have promised, i will honour my words.
i cannot control myself anymore. its not difficult, but impossible. if things go on better from here, perhaps, i will finish my studies and adopt a child. everything is gone, every hope is gone. i don't know where to carry on. cousin's wedding is on sunday, as one of her bridesmaid, i just don't feel like how i am supposed to be. i guess, that's the only chance for me to dress up and look closest to my dream day.
and, remember, if i die one day, i would really want roses and not chrysathemums. i want a white coffin and a pretty white gown. i want you to celebrate with me. i pray.
Dear GOD,
i need strength, i need you. i just needed that confirmation. take me away please,i beg of you, dear lord. i am thankful for all this experiences. i will keep to my promise lord.
Amen.
love,
WenYan(:<3
